The missing truth

•April 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Something is missing, I don’t know what is it, I have idea what it should be, all I know is it is missing.

 

And I know that I lost it, I used to know it one day, maybe in early this life or the life I used to have before this life.

Lots of distractions could make you forget that past, nowadays this can even make you forget your own name, it’s crazy when people claim to have the most peaceful religion of all religions and at the same time they are the most violent of them all, that doesn’t prove that the religion is false, it only proves that life can deceive you, trick you so easily into infinite temptations.

 All this has been associated with the definition of truth, one thing we all should have a unified definition for, I admit it I am angry, most of the time, but it’s only because I realized that I have been living in a big lie, all people are speaking, sometime they don’t know and made things up, sometimes they want to impress someone, sometimes, they lie and they know it, sometimes they lie and they are not aware of it, sometimes they lie thinking it’s for the best, sometimes it’s a defense system because of parents instructions in the childhood, sometimes to sell something, sometimes to spread a rumor, sometimes out of ignorance, sometimes they just repeating what they heard, sometimes because they are afraid, sometimes for propaganda, and rarely they truth is being said, sometimes because it’s easier to lie, sometimes for greed, and sometimes because the truth hurts, the truth is ugly, so it’s better to keep it denied.

So what the life worth when it is full of lies the it became a big lie itself.

Something is missing and I lost it between all these lies between cultures and beliefs and between selfish interests,  and since I have no control over the life and the people, I can’t guarantee that I’m going to find that missing thing. So what is the point? A life without the truth is a life not worth living.

 But I will keep looking as Life keeps promising me that it will be missing forever, and I’d rather die by something other than my own hands. I already know that it’s easier said than done to hang on faith, even if I lost that too, I will keep moving and thinking,

 at least then I will have nothing else to lose…

Advertisements

A Liar

•February 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

You know what I don’t wanna be?! A liar , a liar who gets away with stuff he made up, a liar that change in a real story to make people laugh, a liar who pretends to love his work and fake smile to his colleagues all day long, a liar who’s personality is just a reaction to what the society wants him to be, a liar who ignores the fact that he is missing someone cares for him and try himself to care about other random people instead, a liar who tries to make it looks like he cares and he did that and this for you while he did it because he wanted too, a liar who looks cool on social networks while his family hate him, a liar who says everything is gonna be alright while he is not sure about that, a liar who’s tries always to impress someone rather than being himself, a liar who tells you are fine and he knows that you are a stupid piece of crap, a liar who’s behaviors are not his.

You know what I wanna be when I grow up? I wanna be me!

EXTRA bullshit!

•February 13, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I should have known better! I should have known all this is gonna happen before it does!

 

I took a risk when we had an argument me and my colleague to assign all the blames in the argument on myself instead of doing what most of the normal people would have done.

I did that only because I thought I should have took care from the beginning to not getting hurt, do not put yourself in a position where the other person could take the advantage of hurting you without them even knowing that they do that and specially if they are used to doing that.

What happened simply is that one called me for an advice so I got too excited but when I went he wanted to take charge of making the decision without me even talk , so yeah of course I got disappointed , and instead of blaming him for calling me for nothing since he has already have his plans from the beginning, I blamed myself for getting excited when he called. And I expressed that blame for myself publicly, And what happened,  I didn’t expect! All people started blaming me as well ignoring his part of what happened!!ignoring that fact that everyone should look at what he did instead of blaming others, I tried to mention what he did in an indirect way to make him notice what he did so he can think of what he did instead of keep blaming me as I let him to, but another friend got into the way and sabotaged the whole thing .

 

And that even more annoying, because I personally pay too much effort in trying to make people comfortable taking credit from my ego, I everyday try to make the stupidest jokes just because I know that he might listen to that and I try to gossip and talk bullshit just because this is the only way for me to have a conversation with him, I can talk with him with the original thought I have , either the psychological thought or the philosophical or religious or political conversation, he think in so much different way he doesn’t have any information what so ever to make him have thoughts like this so the only way to have a conversation with him to make him comfortable is to talk bullshit and this is making me feel like shit!! Like why I even care to make him comfortable and do thing I never did just to make him comfortable why do I have to tell him please for god sake smile every single day!!why can’t I just be myself , is it because I know that being myself will hurt him because he will be intimidated of how I think I am smarter than he is?! But should I care? Should I consider it being not a good leader because I couldn’t handle this only one guy ?

 

Anyway after that first argument I recognized what I should have been recognizing from the beginning that it will go into this particular direction! And I tried to have a work conversation to ease things up and then I suggested to watch a movie together but they refused, so what now?

  1. First of all I will cut of the bullshit conversation, and I know that means that we will NEVER have a conversation.
  2. I will not tell him to smile or not, he can go fuck himself I don’t care, not because I don’t like him, it just because I don’t care.
  3. I will do the things I like in my limited zone, so no one else could give me a comment about what I like and what I don’t
  4. I will not care of what this all might lead him to say about me, he can say whatever he wants I know what I am and that what is important to me
  5. I will be as honest as possible and with myself first

Pigeon Superstition

•February 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I don’t know how it started! Am I related to Skinner in blood and genes am I one of his grand kids, did it happened in front of me several times till it stuck in my head! What happened that made me already know this ? That when I read about it ,I try to rewind the time so recover all the related thoughts that made me doubt my sanity one day.

 

At the first it was Kings and queens by 30 second to mars, that made me regain the self-confidence then Alibi in the same album which I spend all the my Army time listening to. Till they released the next album which made me notice Jerad Leto more like his behaviors, thoughts, art, music, then I traced his cinematic career fight club, Lord of wars. Everything is authentic, real match my thought stream, up until I searched him on YouTube watching the interviews. And in one of these interviews he said “I’d rather be grandiose than a mediocre” and it stuck in my head that was last December 2013 so at January 1st 2014 list I wrote (2- Jerad Leto) to remind me of dreams becoming true. Then I went to Egypt for a business trip and there I met my friends and I hang out at an apartment of one of them and we suggested to watch a movie and by coincidence they all suggested to watch Mr. Nobody which I got too excited to watch once I know that it’s a Jared Leto movie and then I heard about the Pigeon superstition in that movie.

 

A year or two age I have that weird conversation with my friends about money, and how we have it and if we need to look for it and work hard or if we sat down doing nothing we will have the same amount of money and I supported the later, I believed that if I supposed to have a certain amount of money at a certain time we will get it no matter if he wanted or not, it is the same like if we worked really hard for something we might not get it, and sometime the laziest are the richest, that’s why I always thought that thieves are stupid because at the same time they committed the robbery if they were sitting watching TV at hove they would’ve got the same money somehow.

 

So do our actions and what we think as a result of these actions are related? This is a tough question because it mainly will hit in the religions and if our prayers are heard, then we receive what we asked for!? The opposite to this is Newton’s law every action has a reaction, so if our actions and what we think as a result are not related, what are the reactions to these actions? That’s scary because if this theory is correct if Skinner was right, what will simply make you question every single thing you make , and if you really need to do a certain things to have results, or just wait for results. But that’s not totally correct because there are actions that have results in our everyday life and I wouldn’t be writing this post unless I saw the movie and read about the pigeon superstition! So now, how can we tell the difference between actions and false actions, right and wrong, reality and illusion?

 

This theory is either right or wrong also, either this is all a lie and Skinner never did these experiments and he just made it up so we have these thoughts and doubt our choices, or there is something bigger than this we need to believe and have faith for, something undoubtable, so clear, unmistakable, so easy make sense out of everyday’ s actions and everyone’s behavior, something big that makes no doubt of the existence of God and having a real deep direct connection with him.

 

Or simply we are humans not pigeons!!

Liberace is only a distraction!

•January 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Oh my God! I just watched behind the candelabra!! and i don’t feel good and I don’t recommend it to any of you unless you like watching naked men fu**ing.

I’m not homophobic or something, but I think that gays are having a psychological problems that need to be solved for them to become straight instead of supporting the homosextualiy

I’m also glad that i watched it because it made me think and realized that me personally would never knew anything about homosexual or bisexual people unless for the movies, which is strange? it is strange how the show business can mess up our minds and make us believe things that ain’t real like being a homosexual is normal!!

ironically in the movie, behind the candelabra, the business interests was in not reveling the homosexuality of Liberace to the audience because back then this was bad for the business, people would rather watch him in weird outfits and strange performances and believe that’s how stars act like , if you looked at it, that’s what the audience wanted to believe, but right before that, that’s what Liberace wanted, and just before that, that what the business runners wanted them to believe.

And in western societies when they have a glamorous evening like Oscars or any other glamorous event and when somebody talk about fighting for gays rights and gay marriage the rest stand up and give him a big applause, while most of them are straight and at night each one of them go home with his or her girlfriend or boyfriend not married! What does this supposed to mean, that marriage, that piece of paper, preserve the rights for gays only and hold a lot of unbearable commitment for straight people, is marriage is becoming a gay thing? Or that’s what we unintentionally let to believe!

All this made me realize something; people believe what they want to believe, right? Most of us are already know that, BUT what I have realized that there are people in the world are taking advantages of it and drive the world to a certain direction, intentionally or maybe not intentionally because i don’t wanna sound like conspiracy theorist.

I wonder how my thoughts would be if I didn’t watch TV or any other media or “entertainment” show!!

I think that business is what keeps running the world and business is also ruining the world,

and this has no end.

 

I hate Egypt!!

•January 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

my heart is actually broken, and believe it or not, it’s because they want me to go to Egypt for a meeting!

I don’t wanna sound dramatic but i really don’t wanna go and i feel really bad about it. 

unlike all the Egyptians i don’t have those fake feelings of home sickness and stuff and to be honest i don’t even get how they have those feelings, this place and the people there have treated everyone bad enough to make them get use to it and lower their standards, they are selfish above the normal limits, not caring about right or wrong, fair or unfair, they just wanna feel good feeding their messed up ego self, i can’t even predict and expect actions from Egyptians even in the daily simple actions like taking a cab or going to a mall everyone there is so focused on taking advantages of the other person and to do that they use their uneducated messed up minds they have to decide what advantages and how they plan to use it.

a lot of Egyptian have accepted their reality of getting into the grinding wheels of Egyptian society and consider it a standard way of living, to live in a place where the human soul is the last they care about, no infrastructure, no system can protect you from anything from the many things that can happen to you, and that’s why simply you have to become one of them to be able to survive, to become a greedy bastard, who have multiple standards, who call themselves and be called religious but yet they hate and have grudges and have no problem harm other people. or just pretend to be a Gandhi fan and talk about peace and he is one of those who abuses his own wife and kids. this is how this place is so messed up.

for me ! i don’t like it and i think i deserve to have another place to call a home, a place where i can feel safe a place where hard work be appreciated a place where people are actually smiling 

Everything is on fire all the time

•December 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

why are you doing what you are doing? and for whom? for yourself, family, country, the whole world? and also why?because you want to? because you understand so?

 

they say to you "you are a follower to an idea not a person"

but you don’t know the difference.

they say you need to be in a group not to be an easy target

but they don’t want you join any other group

 

they will make their problems your problems

they will take a good care of you

until you laugh at their jokes cry at their tragedy

they will measure your loyalty

you will prove they didn’t pick you for nothing

they say they want you to feel you fit in

which matches with what you want

but they are the ones who want to fit in

 

they will fuel you with anger and hatred

toward people you never saw before,

They will show you media where you look like a target

They will convince you that you are in someone else’s plan

they say everything is in danger unless you do so

you don’t do know that you are becoming the danger

 

religion is a tool to their own need

Till you believe that’s what religions for

you will be unlimited

unstoppable

a master who is able to always make sense

find the adequate justifications

they will love you

you will love them love you

 

Everything is on fire

Demolished buildings

Dead kids on the side roads

Only war tanks that seems to be alive

 

the world is a victim

They are victims

And also you are.. but you like it

 

everything is on fire all the time

 

they were just like you one day,

Then they let themselves in too…